What Does Heartbreak Really Feel Like (To Me)?
One week ago today, I got out of a relationship with someone who, after reflecting on it a bit, I would consider my first love. Oooh ahhh. Exciting.
I’m sad. Confused. Lonely. Hurt. All of the normal human things.
Important side note: I want to add that I fully acknowledge I am writing this while in the “Anger” stage of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ seven total (originally five) Stages of Grief (diagram below). So I will eventually circle back and maybe clear some things up but for now, I’m frustrated and angry.
This doesn’t feel like any of the other breakups or “heartbreaks” that I’ve experienced before. Yes, I’m only 22, and I’ve been one of those people who always think that their next partner will be their life partner — but something changed this time. Maybe clicked?
Deep down I think I knew it wasn’t going to last forever, no matter how much I wanted it to — constantly asking my boyfriend pointless “what if” questions that he would always have the same answer to (which I knew too).
The want to stay together “forever” wasn’t necessarily because I felt like I could be with him forever, and I was slowly coming to that realization, especially after a month-long trip to Taiwan. I think the want to stay together was more so out of fear and a product of my anxiety.
To elaborate, I am scared. Absolutely fucking terrified of having to restart and redo everything. To meet someone new, let them in, and be my most vulnerable self, knowing that it might be “too much” and they’ll end up leaving too. I know it’s part of how ALL relationships work, but it can be so exhausting. And I’m scared of feeling lonely again. Being alone with my thoughts…
Ironically, I’m a really introspective and perceptive person, but given too much time, I tend to constantly overthink, analyze, and criticize (myself). The questions constantly circulating in my head go something like this:
“Why am I not enough?”
“Is it too difficult to love me?”
“What can I change so that they’ll stay with me?”
“Who am I?”
I clearly don’t have all the answers, but I’m (somewhat) hopeful that I’ll figure it out eventually. It’s a painfully slow process. Of course, unideal for an impatient fixer-type person like me.
At this point I don’t think I’ve even answered my question (title). I guess in short, this breakup feels so fucking bad. And I know it’s cliché to say, but I’m grateful(-ish). I feel like I’ve grown a bit and dating someone who was almost polar opposite of me was difficult, but I learned a lot about myself in the process too. Even though I still haven’t fully unpacked it all yet.
Of course, right now, I feel like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and who the hell I am. But what feels different this time is that I feel like my identity hasn’t completely left me this time (as I felt it had when I’ve dated people in the last). My self-worth and self-confidence is absolutely shit right now, but I know it’ll grow back with some proper sunlight and TLC.
I think that’s it for now, but I’ll plan to revisit when I’m not busy distracting myself from the constant trials and tribulations of life.
